Hi Babies,

It's mom again.  I love you guys but dang man uno could fight no rass!!!  I have to say that some days are more challenging than others with you all.  You guys can fight!  Over every little thing but somehow over nothing at all.  Some days I seriously feel like I'm failing at this whole mommy thing.  Like I made the wrong decision when I decided to be a stay at home mom.  Don't get me wrong it's been a very beautiful experience being able to be with you all through your baby years but this stage we are in right now has been a very difficult one.  There has always been a tug of my dreams pulling at my heart and I've always felt like I couldn't successfully do both.  Be a mommy and a businesswoman.  Mostly because I didn't think I could split myself in so many different directions and still be great at them all.  I believe I was wrong.  I think... Well I'm ready to find out.  I pray it all works out in all of our favor.

Staying home with you all has been great for so many reasons but there is something missing.  My sense of purpose has only been all linked and tied to you all and your dad for so many years now.  While God has given me so many blessings, on blessings, on blessings; I know there is so much more He wants to get from my life.  Deep down inside I believe things will be better for us if I'm leading you all by example as opposed to just directing you.  I think my words get lost in translation some days because you guys don't seem to honor or hold any value in them.  I talk to other moms who have the same complaints and issues and some of them work outside the home but some of them don't.  I know the solution to you guys and your actions isn't me going out and getting a job but I believe it will make me feel better about myself.  I really did enjoy being a working woman.  I felt like I was making difference, I believe I was.  

It's always been my objective to protect you all from so many things in this crazy world but I've grown to realize that I can't protect you from everything especially yourselves.  There is something in each one of us that causes us to want to feel to learn.  It really is the best way to truly know something but I hate it for you all.  I know that along with feeling and learning comes hurt and pain wrapped up with the joy and growth.  I wish we could all just grow from someone else's plight but we cannot.  When your Auntie Marsha and I used to fight my mom would yell at us and say "Uno nah wan listen so uno ah have fih feel to understand!"  I never really understood what her words meant until you guys started fighting and just not taking head to my words.  I get it now, she was right too.  I didn't want to listen to my mom either, I thought she just didn't get it because she was older than we were.  Now I know she didn't just understand but she had also learned form experience.  So I guess you all will have to do the same things as much as I don't want that for your lives.

I don't want to sound like I don't appreciate being your mom because I so do.  I see so much greatness in each and every one of you.  I'm so extremely blessed to have intelligent children with so many talents who are all so beautiful.  Sometimes when you're sleeping I just stand over you and admire all that you are and all that you will one day be.  I promise I sometimes see glimpses of your futures.  It's a beautiful sight.  I thank God for allowing me to be able to see you beyond you sometimes.  But gosh you guys are so much like your dad that it scares me.  You make noise just to make noise, just like him.  You all mess with each other just because, the same way he does to me.  I could go on but I won't so that it doesn't seem like I 'm daddy bashing but you guys get your crazy honest, just like you get your feisty attitudes honest from me.  Sorry about that.

I do miss you guys as babies though; you didn't argue or fight then.  Why do you all fight so dang much?  I'm planning a round table discussion soon where we will sit down and talk about everything on your minds and hearts.  The plan is for you to express your true feelings about everything together so we can deal with them openly and honestly.  I try but I get frustrated with all of the bickering.  Everyone tells me I don't spank you all enough but that's because my mommy didn't spank me.  We just knew to listen or else she would rail up and no one wanted to hear that.  I don't know why you all don't see life that way.  Like for real what am I doing wrong?   I hated to have people mad at me especially adults.  You kids don't seem to give two shits most days! (We all know I cuss a little...)  Someone please tell me why you fight so much?  I see you blow up at each other over the smallest junk and then I watch you treat your friends with so much love and respect.  I pray that sooner rather than later you realize that you are supposed to have each others backs and be supportive and loving to one another.  I tell you all the time God gave you to each other for a reason and I whole heartedly believe that.  One day you will understand.  Friends will come and go, you will grow apart, lose them over dumb stuff, walk away from others over big things but your family you can't change.  We are forever, no matter what you do.

As far as I am concerned I feel that maybe if I'm gone for a bit some days that you all will see what you are missing and appreciate me more.  I'm trying my best to instill the right morals and values in you guys.  I want nothing more but to raise up a whole group of great people who will change the world some day through your passions and dreams.  I just want for you what I believe God wants from you.  To see you all shine and help others along the way.

Mommy does so many art themed things because it is in my heart to create and want to share that with others.  I love fashion, writing, art, sewing, music, the sunshine, God and my family and friends.  So I try to let my life show that.   I love helping people and I pray that my life can be of some help to someone, even if it's just one person.  

I'm ready to start going after my dreams and I want you all to know that I'm doing it for us all.  I want it for myself as much as I want it for you all and I'm taking you wherever I go, for as long as I can.  This whole parenthood thing is no cakewalk for me.  It's been very difficult actually every step of the way, even from conception.  Pregnancy was difficult for me, being a new mommy without my mom here to help me was difficult, the decision making process everyday is difficult too.  I have very fragile lives in my hands and I want to do right by all of you but I know some days I fall short.  I'm so far from perfect and everything I am I've had to learn along the way.  I'm still learning as I go.  You guys saved my life though.  You gave me purpose when I thought I had lost all of myself and I will forever be grateful to you, your dad and God for the lives I've been entrusted with.  I pray that I make you all proud.


Love Always,

Mommy 

7/4/15