Hi Babies,
Ok so I decided to step out on faith and do something that I had been against in my head for a few good years now. Basketball Wives LA Season 4, the reality TV show. The reasons behind me never even seeing it as an option were mostly because I was in no way, shape or form ready to deal with peoples negativity and opinions. More so because your dad was against it. But also because I was afraid to show my face and be up front and open about certain aspects of my life. People are so quick to judge but not as quick to walk past a mirror and judge themselves.
There is an old saying that goes something like "Those in glass houses shouldn't throw stones." However it goes the gist of it is when you aren't perfect you shouldn't be quick to judge someone else. Newsflash, nobody walking God's green earth is perfect! We all go through trials in life and many of the experiences we endure aren't directly related to what we've done or who we are. What I've had to learn in life is that we go through things so we can grow through things. I believe that God allows us to go through trials so that we can be prepared for the next stage of our lives.
Here is an example; God knows our beginning and our end. I wholeheartedly believe that I was made for the things I've been through. My mother dying and leaving behind a 4 1/2 year old daughter who became my sister daughter; Brandi, prepared me for being Noah's mom. Did I know this then, absolutely not! I wish I had learned prior to you, Brandi, becoming my child what I learned afterwards. I'd have been able to do better by you. But I didn't and I got another chance to do it right with Noah. Now I will never be perfect but I know without a doubt that you both love me, albeit in different ways.
I tried my best to be all that I could for you B, but I was in need of so much at the time and I was so damaged by our loss. I still miss my mommy daily and I'm sorry for everything that I wasn't. I know I've apologized to you before but I feel like I owe it to you. I wish I had done better by you in so many, many ways. I pray that you are great in life despite all of my many short comings. I can honestly say I gave it a good effort and tried my best to raise you right. I just was too numb to love you the way you should have been loved. I still find myself, to this day, needing to work on my open displays of affection with all of you; it's just not easy for me. Once you passed a certain age it got harder to fix too. I love that we are great friends now, sisters and I still can be the one you call on in your time of need. All I ever wanted was to be there for you and protect you from any and all harm. I just pray that I didn't harm you during the process by being too overprotective or morally sound.
I hate to admit this but there are levels to the reasons why it is hard for me to be overly affectionate with you guys. I'll work them out at another time. Because I know the reasons why I just don't want to burden you with my mess. For today I just want you all to know that I love you deeply and I am working on physically showing you more and more each day just how much. One day you will understand just how much I really do love you all and why I go so hard for what I believe in. I am a very passionate person, very emotional, sometimes to a fault, but I mean well. I am learning to control my emotions more and just love you each on the level you need to be loved on. Now I know that you all know that I love you. I say it everyday. But i want you to feel it to the depths of your souls. each one of you, so there is never a doubt.
Reigan, girl, you are so hard to understand. You seriously hurt my feelings when you play that "Mommy doesn't love me Daddy, card." Because you know that's not true so I wish you wouldn't say it. I love you and that's the reason I correct you when your wrong and the reason I don't allow you to let the devil win. I didn't make you for evil and I refuse to sit back and watch any of you take that path without a fight from me! Dammit if I'm not looking in a mirror at you some days and it scares me! Girl you should be an actress, you play me so well. Other days you are just like your dad! How can you be so hot and so cold all the time? How can you want love but be so unapproachable? I wish you understood the power that you have within you. You are so many great things; a singer, a dancer, a model and an entertainer. There shouldn't be a mean bone in your body. There is no competition. I'll be glad when you realize that! You can catch more bees with honey than you can with venom. Girl they die from the venom. You kill them that way. Feed them honey and they are there as long as you want them to be. Maybe you don't want them there and that's the issue? IDK, but I do know that it's hurtful to see you be so mean to the people God has given to you to love.
Family is so important to your life, you have no idea. Be good to them and everyone as long as you can. Even if they aren't always good to you. That's a message for all of you too! Because people that say they love you will hurt you, sometimes intentionally, other times accidentally. But it will happen for sure. Learn early on to forgive people so that you aren't walking around holding on tot anger and pain and continuing to hurt yourself. Some things we just have to get past and get over. Yes, even the very hurtful, painful stuff. Holding on to pain and not having a forgiving heart is like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies from it. That just can't happen. You can't make people see you for you the same way you can't make them be sorry for their actions. But you can be responsible for how you react and for what you allow them to continue to do to you. Some people you will have to let go of and love from a distance. Others will see the error in their ways and work at being and doing better by you. It's just how life is. You all just do your best to not let the ways of this world harden your hearts. Keep and open mind and an open heart, because a closed heart doesn't serve anyone but the devil and we are God's children over here.
Reiganna I know your love tank is filled with physical touch. I think it's so funny to see how much you really need hugs from everyone. Mostly because you need them more than anyone else. But I also appreciate you being able to communicate that openly and honestly with us all. Just be careful. I keep you close because I know you don't see how a hug can be a problem but everyone isn't right in the head. I'd hate to have to kill someone for hurting you over a hug. Please be sure to hug your babies just as much as you can for as long as you live. Continue to hug me too, even when I'm upset and especially when I'm feeling down. You & Noah's hugs are magical.
Noah you are a close second to Nana in the physical touch department. You love to rub up against us and just touch us. You two crack me up. Noah I get tickled every single time you tell me to sit down and calm down and you go to handle a situation for me. Thank you for that. For always trying to be the fixer so I don't get upset. As long as you need the love I hope that we are all available to give it to you. The both of you are so much alike in so many ways, it's a miracle. God knows what He's doing I tell ya!
But both of you are starting to get some openly bad attitudes though and we need to fix that before it gets out of control. Good, nice kids are so much more fun to be around than mean, nasty kids. You were our two nicest children before Reidan got bigger. I just want you all to know that we love, value, appreciate, honor and respect you each for who you are. Our family wouldn't be complete without any of the 7 of you in it. So please don't ever feel like you have to compete for our attention. Be kind at all times to each other and also to yourselves.
Reign you just want to be appreciated and listened to. Dude your silly ways get in the way sometimes. All of you all are a bit off the chain, I blame that on your dad. He's a bit off too. It's no secret, he already knows how I feel. I'm sure you each have a touch of ADHD from him too. Some days I ask myself (when you are all in a room together) what have I gotten myself into?!? LOLIt's no easy task. I'm a low key quiet person. I like my music and my arts and crafts and some good hot tea, lemon water or coffee and I'm good. I don't need much to be good. You all seem to have this insatiable desire to be doing something and moving 24/7, 365. Yo there is no chill in you Curry people. I call you true Curry people because it's in your blood, I just married into the name.
Anyway, Reign I tell you and Eddy III often that you are supposed to be the leaders of the family. You are both the firsts. You have to realize your worth now so that you can stand on it later. You are the ones who set the tone for the others. So set the tone. Do good works. Be good boys who become good men. Be the leaders you were born to be because your siblings are looking up to you. They look to you for guidance. Guide them through the dark places like only you can. Your grades matter, your actions matter, your words matter! Everything you do and are and will become matters to those around you. More so to those who are depending on your leadership roles to be upheld and honored.
Your dad and I talk all the time about how we hope you go to college together and beast out there in sports but also academically. You are some amazing children. You each have some very special talents and gifts wrapped up inside of you just waiting to come out. God made you each for a specific purpose. Let Him lead you so that you are able to lead & help others.
The truth is when I am away from you all for any period of time longer than a few hours I miss you. Right now I'm seriously missing you Brandi and you too Eddy. I love the people you are growing into. Growth is a beautiful thing. Keep rising to the top, give it all you've got! Good news is I've gotten better over the years in the missing you all department. There were times when your dad and I would take trips alone and I'd be on the phone balling my eyes out talking to you all. I didn't start it either. But you'd call me and make me feel so bad for leaving you and not taking you with me. Your dad would be so mad at me. He felt like I was making matters worse by crying with you but I feel this connection to you all that I just can't explain. Even when you are getting on my nerves.
Lately, I've been a little on edge and I'm sorry for that. I'll have to apologize to you all at breakfast since you're sleeping now. But some days are harder than others for me. Some days I feel so outnumbered. I am outnumbered. But some days I just feel like I am not winning at all. It hurts me to my soul when you guys fight. I hate hearing it. Don't like having to referee it. I thought having kids was going to be so fun and easy when I finally wrapped my mind around having kids. My mom & aunts used to joke that I'd never have children because I'd tell everyone I was never having any. I have eaten those words, many times over huh? You do some things you never imagined you'd do, when you're in love. Life has a whole different meaning when you're living it for someone other than yourself, that's for sure.
Reigan, I almost forgot you in this letter. You know I love you, you rub my feet for me at night. We do sit ups together. You sneak my snacks and then brag about it and you still get to do it again. I can't help it, man you bring me some unspeakable joy. You bring it to everyone lucky enough to be around you. You are a gift to call son, brother, grandson, cousin & friend. We are blessed to have you around. Thank you for loving me the way you do. I'm excited to see who you each become in life, how you grow into great kids & adults & the spouses you choose & children you have, I'm letting it be known right now, everything you did to me I am taking out on my grandchildren! Every rule you have for them I'm breaking whenever I want to because you will all pay for the pain you've caused me. I'm going to feed them candy when I want too, let them stay up late when I want to, they can ruin whatever they want in your homes as long as I'm around & I'll protect them from spankings with my life. Oh but you will be paid back in full for all of the things you do until you're adults and out on your own. I'm looking forward to loving my grand babies with an outpour of all that I can give them. I dare you to complain about it too!
Until next time (tomorrow I hope), I'll write to you all later.
Love Always,
Mommy
AKA
Patrice
XOXOXOX
10/29/2015
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